The Truth Behind The Lies Behind The Bushes
by Leslie M. Harper
Summary: Major characters from LotR/HP/Star Wars/Spiderman/Indiana Jones are snatched from their own universes by a certain Evil Overlord in the most spine-tingling, blood-chilling story ever written with this name. What's not to love?
1. Prologue

Chapter 1: Prologue

It was a hot day, and so humid you couldn't walk more than a few feet before being completely drenched from head to foot. It was like this every day in the jungle. Parrots squawked from the treetops, pythons rustled surreptitiously through the undergrowth. Plants grew. And Indiana Jones, in the middle of it all, hacked his way through nature with a big machete.

He'd come a long way for this particular item. He'd found the first mention of it in a long-forgotten text, somewhere in the university library. Finally, he was close. He moved carefully through some low ferns, ignoring the clouds of mosquitoes circling him and everything else that moved.

Suddenly, he was in a clearing, and the object he'd been searching for was ahead of him.

The fabled Spider Jewel. Supposedly it could be used to alter people's minds. To Indiana Jones, of course, that didn't matter. All he knew was that it belonged in a museum, and he was going to get it there, no matter how many scantily clad women or evil men with mysterious European accents interfered along the way.

He moved forward. Unusually for the type of thing Indiana Jones generally went after, there didn't appear to be any guards or booby traps around. The gem itself was on a small stone pedestal in the centre of the clearing. The pedestal was wrapped in vines and crumbling after long exposure to the elements. The Spider Jewel, however, was shining as brightly as the day it had first been placed there.

By now, Indiana was so close he could see why the gem had been so highly prized throughout history. It was a dark, clear, green, with a strange white pattern inside it, almost like a mist. It was said that men (and women) who had looked into the depths of the stone had gone slightly mad. Not very mad; this wasn't that kind of stone. But Indiana was still wary as he reached out for his prize . . .

And stopped, as a soft noise – much like the sound made by a half-hearted vacuum cleaner trying to suck up a baby elephant, but in a slightly lower key – made him look up.

Where there had previously been only blue sky, colourful birds, and the tops of tropical trees, there was now a gap, filled with stars. And from the gap, a strange ship was approaching.

It was like nothing Indiana had ever seen before. Far more advanced than any aeroplane. He wondered if it was a Nazi craft. It was said the Germans had been working on new methods of sky exploration.

Indiana had to think all of this in the space of a second, because that was how long the ship took to move forward, hover gently over the Spider Jewel, and send down a beam of light. And – this was what astonished Indiana – the gem appeared to travel up the light, until it reached the spaceship and disappeared. As soon as the jewel was presumably safely inside, the ship turned around elegantly and sped back into the mysterious gap in the sky, which closed with a _snap!_ as soon as it was safely through.

Indiana stopped still in amazement. Barely five seconds ago, his prize had been within his grasp. And now it was gone. But nothing was gone forever to Indiana Jones.

He squinted up towards where the gap had been. If he looked carefully, he was certain he could see a faint black line remaining. Carefully ignoring the part of his mind screaming the impossibility of what had just happened at him (it wasn't much harder than ignoring the hysterical women who were usually screaming at him), he thrust his machete through his belt – nearly giving himself a painful leg injury, but it was nonetheless very dashing – and shimmied up the nearest tree.

As he got near the top, he spotted a branch that would take him right out to where the crack had been. He edged along this branch, pausing only occasionally to check for snakes. Finally, he got to the end.

Looking around, the faint black crack in the sky was far more obvious than it had been from ground level. Indiana considered his options. He could, of course, let the gem go. Just walk away.

But Indiana Jones didn't walk away. Except from things like poisonous snake pits, stable relationships, or cliff edges. Even then, it was hard. That was just the kind of man he was.

Also, it would have been considerably hard to walk away, being on a tree branch.

This left Indiana with only one more option: to follow the mysterious ship, and rescue the gem, from wherever it had ended up. He carefully reached out towards the crack. It shouldn't have been possible, but where one bit of sky ended and the next began, he could feel something. Or rather, a lack of something. Ignoring his own safety, Indiana put both hands inside the crack and began pushing the edges apart as hard as he could. Even then, it wasn't giving. He pulled his machete out of his belt and stuck that into the crack, trying to prise it open. He was slightly worried his machete would break, and he would fall. However, he was also assured that the machete would serve as a warning to any dangerous creatures in whatever place this gap led to.

The edges of the crack suddenly gave way, leaving an opening in the sky. Indiana looked through – it didn't look like the place the mysterious flying craft had disappeared to earlier – but by then it was too late, and he was falling through the gap, right through into whatever dimension was waiting on the other side.

It closed behind him with another _snap!_ and for some time afterwards, the jungle was quiet.

The ship's owner – and Evil Overlord of most of the known universe – was feeling pleased. The new technology had worked perfectly. He'd recently stolen the transporter beam from a Scotsman he'd met, in a ship called the _Enterprise _parked in one of the smaller galaxies. And, of course, the new power source – the one that allowed him to open holes between universes, and travel wherever and whenever he liked – worked like a dream. He picked up the Spider Jewel and looked at it pensively. Such a small object! he thought. And able to do so much.

At that moment, his most faithful lieutenant came into the control room and saluted.

'Item retrieved, sir. And those new devices worked like a charm.'

'I know they did, lieutenant,' said the ship's owner with some irritation. 'I saw them. And I've got the gem right here.'

'Right you are, sir,' said the lieutenant, saluting again. When in doubt, salute, he thought. Just a few more months and I'll be able to get off this ship. Still, better make the most of it while I'm here. 'Will you be plugging it into the machine now, sir?'

His master sighed. He spent a lot of his time sighing. Well, breathing heavily, anyway.

'I was just about to do as much, lieutenant.' With that, he turned and carefully placed the gem inside a small, clear box, attached by several wires to a headset held above a chair. It didn't look very comfortable, especially as the chair had various unpleasant straps and chains on it, designed to prevent the chair's occupant from moving while the process was taking place.

'Was something supposed to happen just then, sir?' asked the lieutenant brightly.

'No. There's no one in the chair. But when there is, this gem will send energy right into the centre of their brain, converting their every thought, motive, and ethical standard into pure, unbridled evil. The perfect weapon. Incidentally,' added the ship's owner thoughtfully, 'how many times have I had to explain that to you so far?'

The lieutenant shifted uncomfortably. One doesn't need brains to succeed on a ship like the one he was on. The lieutenant was a perfect example of this. 'Well, you keep using such long words, sir . . .'

'Of course. How foolish of me,' remarked his master. 'Anyway, let us move on from this sordid matter. Set the course, will you?'

'Um . . . the course to where, exactly?'

His master narrowed his eyes. Well, you couldn't actually see him narrowing his eyes, behind the mask he always wore. But you could tell he wasn't pleased.

'How many times must I explain this, lieutenant? My son has always been a disappointment to me. Here I am, setting a fine evil example, and yet he is constantly rebelling against me, complaining of the right of good over evil, etcetera. Typical teenager, of course, but a father does grow rather tired of it. He is the first person I intend to evillify. Therefore, set a course for the Resistance Headquarters. Don't go straight there, of course,' he added as an afterthought. 'They'll shoot us out of the sky. Make another hole in the space/time continuum. We can go through that.'

The lieutenant was still staring blankly ahead. He hadn't signed up for this. The ship's owner swallowed his annoyance. 'All right. Which part didn't you understand?'

'Etcetera?'

'Merely an indication of further, similar items to follow.'

'Space/time continuum?'

'The thing we create openings in to travel through. Really, we went into this stuff thoroughly when we acquired the technology not long ago.'

'OK. What about evillify?'

'That was one I made up,' said his master. 'I felt the situation called for it. Are you ready to set the course now?'

The lieutenant nodded vigorously. 'Of course, sir. Doing it immediately, sir.'

'And don't forget, don't go straight there!' called the ship's owner hastily. Then, deciding that his work for the moment was done, he reclined in a chair (not the one the Spider Jewel was attached to) and watched the universe whizzing past the windows of his ship. He sighed.

'It shouldn't be this hard just to make somebody evil,' he mused to himself, watching his machine's reflection in the window. Then he sighed. So many good people in the world, so many people left to – yes – evillify. Sometimes, life wasn't easy for Darth Vader.


	2. Kidnapped

Chapter 2: Kidnapped

Luke was dreamily sitting by himself in one of the main rooms of the Resistance Headquarters. It'd been so long since anyone there had seen any action they'd all lost count of the days. It almost made you wish your evil, power-driven father would turn up again and try to take a few people hostage, if only to spice up life a little. He heard the door open, and footsteps approach.

'Skywalker!' Luke smiled. He could tell from the voice that it was Han Solo, one of the best pilots in the fleet (which was saying something, as they all lived on spaceships) and engaged to Luke's sister, Leia.

'Long time no see, Han. What've you been up to?'

'This is no time for small talk, Luke.' Luke spun around at the urgency in Han's voice. 'What is it?'

'Darth Vader's ship is rapidly approaching. We have no idea how it got here so fast, but all that matters is it is here, and we're not prepared. We need to escape quickly. Leia's preparing one of the ships for a quick takeoff. It'll be just the three of us. And Chewbacca, obviously.'

'The three of us? What happened to everyone else?' asked Luke anxiously.

'They've already left,' said Han grimly. 'The only reason we're still here is because I had to come and get you. Come on, she'll be waiting.'

As they ran, Luke considered the possibility that he may have strange mental powers. Well, there was the Force, obviously, but maybe there was something else. At any rate, it was just his luck the only wish of his to come true was the one he didn't really mean. As he and Han dashed through the control room, he noticed something strange on the radar panel and slowed down. 'What are you doing, Luke?' yelled Han. 'Hurry up!'

'Go ahead! I'll meet you at the ship,' Luke called.

'Ok, but hurry. If you're not there in three minutes, it'll automatically take off without you.' Han's voice got fainter and fainter as he moved further and further away.

Luke looked at the strange blob he'd noticed on the panel. There was Darth Vader's ship, yes, approaching fast. But what was that thing it was moving away from? He studied it, hoping for an answer. When one struck him, he was horrified. He knew what the mysterious blob was. He ran, as fast as he could, heading out towards the bay where the ships were kept. 'Hans! Leia!' he shouted. 'You can't take off! You'll be sucked right into the heart of a black hole! You'll be crushed! Both physically and emotionally!'

But he was too late, just seconds too late. Luke watched his friends' ship rise into the air, and begin moving in the opposite direction. For a second, he thought they'd make it – then they began slipping, towards the black hole.

Luke frowned at it. He had to admit, it didn't look like any of the black holes he'd ever seen. But his friends were drawing close to it. A second, and then they were gone. The black hole, if that was what it was, had closed behind them. He stood still on the deck, stunned.

This made it very easy, when Darth Vader's ship arrived several seconds later, to capture him and beam him up before he even realised what was happening.

Darth Vader was still sitting in his chair, relaxing dreamily, when Luke was dragged in, kicking and struggling. He hastily stood up and tried to look menacing. He succeeded. 'Well, my boy, it's been a long time since I've seen you,' he remarked. 'So nice of you to . . . drop in.'

Luke gave him a cold look. 'Thanks to you, my friends are dead. I don't care what happens to me.'

'And that, son,' said Darth Vader, going over to stand by the Spider Jewel, 'is exactly the right mindset for what's about to happen to you. Strap him in, boys.'

Luke was manhandled into the chair and strapped down viciously. Despite his objections, the helmet with wires attached was pulled down on to his head. Darth Vader admired the button set in beside the Spider Jewel's box. 'One touch of this button, Luke, and every part of you that has ever wanted to do good will be sucked away instantly. You will be reborn like me, with evil in your very soul. You should be grateful. I'm sure this is what you would have chosen, had you been offered a choice.'

'I was offered a choice! I said no!' gasped Luke as he struggled for escape. 'Anyway, what button?'

'Well, you can't see it from where you are, but if you were standing next to me you'd see a large white button slightly to the right of my Spider Jewel. That's the one I'm talking about.'

'Oh,' said Luke. 'What about if you let me out of this chair? I could see it quite well then,' he added cunningly.

Darth Vader sighed. Why was everyone else so transparent?

'If I let you out of this chair, boy, you will escape.'

'No, I won't.'

'Yes, you will.'

'I won't, honestly.'

'Shut up. You're distracting me,' said Darth Vader firmly. 'I'm going to push this button before anything else tries to get in my way.'

He did so.

Luke writhed around in pain, nearly knocking the helmet off in the process. Suddenly, something occurred to him.

'Should I be feeling something?' he asked curiously.

'No. That's all part of my evil plan,' said Darth, who had no idea.

'Has it worked?' inquired the lieutenant.

'I don't know. Let's test it,' said Darth Vader. 'Luke, imagine you are holding a kitten.'

'I'm doing it.'

'Right. Now, you have two options. You can either a) stomp on the kitten, or b) give it to a loving family. Which would you prefer to do?'

Luke considered this. 'Erm . . . loving family, I think.'

'In that case, it's gone wrong,' said Darth Vader. 'What do you think the problem was?'

'Well . . .'

'Shut up, Luke, I'm not asking you. You're supposed to be my prisoner, for goodness' sake. At least pretend to be afraid. Lieutenant? Any ideas?'

'Could we check the instruction manual?' asked the lieutenant hopefully. Darth Vader sighed. 'And just when I'd hoped we'd made a breakthrough. No, we couldn't check the instruction manual. The reason being, there isn't an instruction manual.'

'What's this, then?' asked the lieutenant, proffering a booklet. Darth Vader took it and read the front page. Then he read it out loud. '"So you've acquired the Spider Jewel Mark 2.0." Where did you find this lieutenant?'

'In the ship library, sir,' said the lieutenant, saluting.

'And stop saluting. OK, let's find the right page. Chapter 1 – returning your faulty Spider Jewel – Chapter 2 – insurance claims – oh, here we are. Chapter 3 – how to work your Spider Jewel. Let's see,' said Darth Vader, as he flipped through the manual. 'Done all that – we did that – oh, damn it.'

'What is it, sir?' asked the lieutenant, managing to stop his salute just in time.

'Listen to this. "To use the mind-controlling powers available in the Spider Jewel, the jewel must first have come in contact with the blood of one of the Spider People"'

'What are Spider People?' asked Luke, who was interested.

'I've got a vague idea, but I'm not totally sure,' admitted Darth. 'I'm fairly sure it's just a race of people with some kind of spider ancestry. I'm pretty sure they look normal. Anyway, it shouldn't be too hard to find one,' he said cheerfully. 'We'll just turn on the ship's tracker. When it finds somebody with Spider blood, no matter what universe they're in, it should be able to drag them to the dimension nearest to us. Then we can just use the transmitter to pick one of them up.'

'Sounds easy enough, sir,' said the lieutenant, who had understood most of the words this time. 'I'll just go and make that happen, sir.'

'You, Luke, don't go anywhere,' gloated Darth Vader as the lieutenant pulled a few levers, and parts of the ship's engine began to hum. 'Believe me, this initial delay will only make my final victory even sweeter,'

Luke chose not to say anything at this point.

'Sir! It's working!' called the lieutenant. 'We're getting two different targets in two different dimensions, sir. I had thought there were three, but one turned out to be a false alarm. One of them is in a universe quite close to us. I'll pull the other one towards that same universe.'

'Go there, then! Pick them up!' said Darth Vader menacingly. 'And then, once we have their blood, the Spider Jewel will be truly mine at last.'

In a technology-filled room in a different dimension's New York, Spiderman inspected the instrument that had started beeping only a few seconds ago. Clearly, somebody was searching for him. Well, they'd have to try harder. This room was located in an abandoned building, well out of the public way, and had been specially built to cloak Spiderman from trackers.

'I won't even show up on their radar,' he mused to himself. 'Who can be looking for me?'

The alarm stopped going. At that same moment, there was a knock on the door.

Spiderman hesitated. What if whoever had been looking for him had found him?

'No,' he said to himself. 'If that had happened, my Spidey senses would be tingling.'

With that, he carefully unlocked the door and pulled it open. As he did so, he stopped short in surprise. Outside was a man carrying a whip, with a big machete through his belt and a travel-stained hat on his head. The man seemed just as surprised to see Spiderman as Spiderman was to see him.

'Erm . . .' the man said, with a trace of embarrassment. 'I don't suppose you could tell me where I am, could you?'

The Fellowship of the Ring had been travelling all day, and had finally stopped to rest in a damp cave on the mountainside.

'Drat those hobbits,' grumbled Gimli. 'If their legs weren't so bloody short, we'd be over the mountain by now.'

'They can't help it, Gimli,' said Legolas dreamily. 'You're not so tall yourself, if we get right down to it.'

'"Down to it"? Was that supposed to be a joke?'

'Hush!' said Gandalf sternly. 'We don't want to attract any unwelcome attention.'

'What's that noise?' asked Merry – one of the hobbits – suddenly. They listened.

'Sounds slightly like some kind of sucking thing trying to suck up a young oliphant,' said Aragorn doubtfully.

'But in a slightly lower key, don't you think?'

A gap opened in the cave wall where there had been no trace of a crack before. They stared at it with astonishment. Though it was night time there as well, it was very different to what any of them would expect to be on the other side of a cave wall. Through it, they could see green grass, a lake, a castle, and – the most surprising thing of all – some kind of sea monster swimming happily in the lake. Before he had time to observe it properly, Frodo could feel the gap pulling at him. He only had time to let out a brief gasp as he was sucked through. He felt the other hobbits grabbing on to him as he fell into the new world – and then he knew no more.

The others watched in astonishment as the hobbits disappeared into the mysterious gap, which snapped shut behind them. 'Quickly!' roared – yes, roared – Gandalf. 'This is the work of Sauron! We can't let him get the Ring!'

So saying, he pushed his staff into the faint crack in the wall where the gap had previously been. It opened again with a _whoosh!_ They looked through.

'Gandalf,' said Boromir doubtfully, 'that doesn't look anything like the place our little friends disappeared off to.'

'No time to argue,' said Gandalf. 'And no time to lose. We all know what will happen if Sauron gets the Ring.' So saying, he leapt through the crack into the dingy city that had been revealed. Gimli and Legolas hastily followed him. There was another _snap! _and again, the opening had disappeared, as if by magic.

'Should we go after them, do you think?' asked Aragorn.

'No, I'm sure they'll be able to sort it out,' Boromir shrugged. He pulled a pack of cards out of his cloak. 'Do you want to deal, or shall I?'

Harry Potter lay back under the tree. His exams were over, it was summer, and now he had as much free time as he cared to do things with.

Right now, he was spending it with his two friends, Ron and Hermione.

'That squid looks happy,' commented Ron, as they looked out across the lake. It did indeed. It had found two first-years and was cheerfully waving them about its head. As they watched it, they heard a strange noise.

'First time I've heard a squid make that kind of noise,' said Ron doubtfully. 'Like somebody trying to suck a small hippogriff into something it didn't want to be sucked into.'

'Yes, but in a slightly lower key,' said Hermione thoughtfully. 'What do you think, Harry?'

Harry didn't reply. He was too busy staring upwards. The other two did the same.

A gap had opened in the blue sky above the tree top. Through it, Harry could see the night sky. And approaching out of it was a metal craft.

'Looks like a spaceship!' Hermione gasped.

'A what?' frowned Ron. 'It's probably just one of the seventh-years mucking around.'

Before they had time to say anything else, a beam of light came down from the ship, engulfed Harry, and then, in a matter of seconds, pulled him right up and out of view. The ship appeared to hesitate, then sped back through the gap, which immediately snapped shut behind it.

Back on Darth Vader's ship, things were going well.

'One of the Spider People is in the dimension right next to us, sir,' said the lieutenant. 'I'm going to go through and beam him up now.'

'Yes, yes, you do that,' said Darth. He watched as a rip was opened right in front of the ship. Amazing technology, this, he thought. It's worth all the trouble it takes to keep it contained.

The ship flew through, straight into a sunny sky. 'And there he is,' said the lieutenant happily. Darth Vader looked down. Below him, there were three people; one with black hair, one, who appeared to be a girl, with brown, and one with a strange bright red. 'Pull him up, then, lieutenant.'

The lieutenant aimed the beam towards the black-haired one, and pulled him up into the ship.

'There you are, sir!' he said happily. 'He'll just have been pulled into the ship's prison cells. Shall I get the other one?'

'What other one? Is the strange red-headed one a Spider Person too?'

'No, sir. But there was somebody from a different dimension who was, and we should have pulled them into this dimension. I can't think why he or she isn't here.'

Darth Vader sighed. 'If you'd listened to any of the training I gave you with all this technology – at no little cost, I might add – you'd know that there can often be a time difference as well. We could be waiting all night for this person. Or maybe they turned up yesterday. Who knows. Anyway, it doesn't matter if we don't pick them up. When they arrive in this dimension they'll naturally assume the physical place of our prisoner.'

'And . . . what does that mean, sir?'

Darth gave him the evil eye. That is to say, he looked at him normally. 'When the person we've sucked from their own universe gets here, he'll just go straight to where our prisoner would be, had we not imprisoned him.'

'Which prisoner?'

'The one currently in our prison cells,' said Darth. Really, the people he had to work with. 'Is that all sorted?'

'Yes, sir!'

'Right then. Luke, you stay here,' Darth added to his son. Being still strapped to the chair, it was unlikely Luke could have gone anywhere, even if he'd wanted to. 'Lieutenant!'

'Sir?'

'Let's go and inspect our prisoner.'


End file.
